---

i mean actually making a difference i guess

its not so black and white as in sheep or non-sheep

but there are different levels

---

Right, but I have no need to feel that I'm making a difference... all the time.

I do have that need, but not on a large scale.  Knowing that I may have made the slightest difference in one person's life are the little benefits I like the receive (ie being a support leader, though I doubt I often make a difference).

Who knows, I must be a half sheep :).  Half sheep, half cow... :).

theres a need to make a difference

but that need is just a motivational crusher since it makes shit hopeless

making a difference in someone's life...a true difference, nothing wrong with that though

-------
Quote from barnabas at 1:00 am on Dec. 4, 2008
doommaker was a very helpful member,
until he went crazy,
and we were left with you.

---

eventually when one realizes how fucked UP almost everything really is

theres a need to make a difference

but that need is just a motivational crusher since it makes shit hopeless

making a difference in someone's life...a true difference, nothing wrong with that though

---

No, I've accepted how fucked up everything is.  That's something that I developed a few years ago, and truly peaked some of my emotionally distress (during the times of my depression).

But I've accepted it, and leave it at that.  While some things may change, other things never will.  Like you said, a motivational crusher... because at the end of the day, there's not much that can be done...

i dont know if anyone could be completely aware of them and even accept living at all

its like a huge cloud looming over your head

i suppose its possible to avoid it by moving away from civilization with someone you are close to

but thats very hard to do and things would be rough

-------
Quote from barnabas at 1:00 am on Dec. 4, 2008
doommaker was a very helpful member,
until he went crazy,
and we were left with you.

---

i dont know personally if anyone can 'accept' these things and fully be aware of them

i dont know if anyone could be completely aware of them and even accept living at all

its like a huge cloud looming over your head

i suppose its possible to avoid it by moving away from civilization with someone you are close to

but thats very hard to do and things would be rough

---

Well, I try to "justify" them or "soften" things from life.  Like you said, to be completely aware of everything (or even some of the things), and to continue with it is hard to think of.

One of my most prevalent thoughts in a particular state of depression was the absolute hatred of humanity, and placing myself at the bottom.  Because I knew myself better than anyone else, and that just disgusted me more.

And as I said, justifying it or trying to soften in is more or less what I've done...

i dont try to 'soften' things persay but i try to distract myself if those are along the same lines, doesnt work well though. but theres nothing else one can really do

-------
Quote from barnabas at 1:00 am on Dec. 4, 2008
doommaker was a very helpful member,
until he went crazy,
and we were left with you.

---

i dislike humanity's direction in general, but i place myself above (most) people. i dont know why you would place yourself below everyone else. i 'hated' people when i was miserable but it wasnt nearly as philosophical or intelligent as later. if anything, realizing how much of morons people are helped me feel better about myself

i dont try to 'soften' things persay but i try to distract myself if those are along the same lines, doesnt work well though. but theres nothing else one can really do

---

Yes, but as weird as it is, while placing myself below all others, I also placed myself above.  Which is part of the disgust.

I hate being selfish, I hate feeling that I'm better than others, and I hate realizing that all my "kindness" is all ways of pleasing myself.  Everything that is done is only done for gain, and that is the way of the world.  No matter what you do, it cannot be twisted into selfishness.

I hated myself, because I understood myself, and I hated myself for thinking that despite all that, I was still better.  It's a disgusting feeling for me to rank myself better than others, and I still do it today, and I dislike that feeling.

In terms of the selfishness of human beings, I've come to 'soften' it, by accepting that there are two forms of selfishness... and that one should not be looked badly upon.  But there are so many other things that are part of humanity that would be nice to be rid of, but it is impossible to do so.