A woman was chating with her friend over a cup of coffee. The woman says: I just got married for the 4th time! "Oh, that's wonderful" The other replies, "But can I ask what happened to the other ones"? "The first one chocked on a poison apple". "That's horrible"! "I know, the second one choked on a poison apple too"! "Lemme guess, the third one choked on a poison apple too"? "Nope, broken neck"! "How come"? "He wouldn't eat the poison apple"!

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
You're holding my heart, screaming

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some cunt puts a swimming cap on me!"

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
You're holding my heart, screaming

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" "Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!" To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
You're holding my heart, screaming

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Quote: from AnonymousLady at 11:32 pm on Feb. 8, 2008

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Quote: from Dexus at 12:00 pm on Oct. 17, 2006

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Blond on the jury

  Frank was on trial for first-degree murder, facing lethal injection if convicted, and the trial didn't seem to be going well for him.

  His brother had been eyeing a good-looking blonde on the jury throughout the whole trial, and before the jury began deliberating he approached the blonde and told her he'd give her $10,000 if she could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

  The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

  After the trial, the brother went to the blonde's house, told her what a great job she had done and paid her the $10,000.

  The blonde replied, "I tell you, it wasn't easy getting them to change their minds like that. They all wanted to acquit him!"

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 Makes me seem totally blonde myself, but I dont get it!

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yea i dont get it either

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Acuit means to make innocent I think.

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Shurrup you.
http://saint-jimmy.myminicity.com/ Clicky click click.

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
You're holding my heart, screaming

- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity  

- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

- Plagiarism saves time.

- If at first you don't succeed, try management.

- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
You're holding my heart, screaming

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Failed Bribe

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

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More silly stuff from the British comic Viz. Some letters:

According to the BBC website, `cocaine users are getting younger`. I have always avoided illegal narcotics but now I`ve found out that they actually reverse the ageing process I`m going to give them a bash. (Simon Halliday)

I read with interest that the RAF have decided to replace the nude paintings of popular tit models like Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh on the side of their bombers with plain silhouettes for fear of offending the thousands of Muslims they are currently bombing the shit out of. I wholeheartedly applaud this display of sensitivity to another culture. (Peter Roeth)

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system. (Johnny Pring)

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that`s a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado. (M Lovejoy)

I knitted a jumper for my husband this Christmas, but I couldn`t shake off a nagging feeling that I`d gone wrong somewhere. I was sure it was the right size and his favourite colour. I realised my mistake when I came to give it him his gift on Christmas Day - I suddenly remembered that he died in 1973. (Dolly Churchill, London)

How can police go around arresting people based on DNA evidence when we share 98% of our DNA with chimps? It might be chimps going around committing all the crimes. (H Montgomerie, Luton)

I have just returned home after watching Oliver Stone`s new flick World Trade Centre, and I have to say I was a little disappointed by the storyline. Two planes crashing into the Twin Towers... on the same day. It`s a bit far-fetched. (Lee Lyons)

My sides were aching after I went to see comedian Jimmy Carr recently. Whilst walking out of the theatre half way through the show, I fell down the stairs and cracked two ribs. (Eric Todd, Hull)

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What`s healthy about that? (Mark J, Barnsley)

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while. (Warren)

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I`ve got nothing to eat my dinner with. (Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire)

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo. (Neil Palmer)

I WAS devastated when my doctor told me that I had just a week to live. Then I remembered that I am a mayfly, and a week was equivalent to a human being living for 500 years. So I cheered up immeasurably. (K Lampard, Stoke)

I just bought a new car and when I insured it, the broker informed me I wasn`t covered for acts of God. Imagine my anger when I looked out of my bedroom window in the early hours and saw the Lord scratching it up the side with a key. (Christina Martin)

In Charlie and the Chocolate factory, was nobody even a little bit suspicious that, after 20 years in bed, Grandpa Jo jumped to his feet and danced about like Fred Astaire when he got offered a free meal ticket? Lazy fuck. (Graeme Patterson)

ACCORDING to a recent survey, most wives are too embarrassed to get undressed in front of their husbands with the light on. I wish mine fucking was. (J Downing, Stoke on Trent)

Tips:

MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It`s more comfortable and you`ll be able to watch TV and use the internet.

RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.

DRIVERS. Save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.

FEEL a bit like God for the day by making some little people out of plasticine, and then judging them harshly.

TRAMPS. Avoid being constantly moved on by sleeping outside department stores and telling the police you are simply queuing early for the sales.

PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase `he/she will be five next birthday` involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful.

BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the `Fiction` section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs.

ITALIAN waiters. Ensure a warm welcome for your customers by having a good 5-second stare at their wives` tits upon entry, and then another good stare after they have been seated.

CONVINCE your friends that you play the trombone by standing behind a screen and farting into a watering can.

BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your `friendly fire` tactics, the war should be over in days.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the `toast always lands butter side down` myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees.

DIABOLISTS For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera`s red-eye reduction feature.

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
You're holding my heart, screaming

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd`s pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don`t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
You're holding my heart, screaming

Little Bobby walked into his parents' bedroom while they were making love. "What're you doing?" asked the child. "Why, 'er, we're playing poker, son," replied his father. "What's mama doing?" "She's my partner." Bobby ambled out of the bedroom, and as he walked down the hall, he heard noises in his sister's bedroom. He stopped, opened the door and discovered the girl having intercourse with her boyfriend. "What're you doing?" asked Bobby. "We're playing poker," replied his sister. "And what about him?" asked the child, pointing to her sister's pal. "He's my partner." The youngster left the room and went down the hall to the room of Roger, his teenage brother, who was masturbating furiously. "What are you doing?" asked the child. "I'm playing poker," replied Roger. "Where's your partner?" "Listen," said the older brother, "when you've got a good hand, you don't need a partner!"

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
You're holding my heart, screaming

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
You're holding my heart, screaming

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This is hilarious. Seriously!

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Thanks, didn't know you followed my thread.  

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LOL Central 1
LOL Central 2
You're holding my heart, screaming